Not Enough?
This morning a friend called me before a group of stay-at-home moms were supposed to meet and said that the guest speaker had to cancel and asked if I would prepare a 5 – 10 min devotional. Honestly, I can say that my heart was singing, not because I was all that thrilled to get up there and talk, but God has really been dealing with my heart for several weeks now and He presented scripture this morning that really stopped me in my tracks right before Sarah called and I just feel like I need to share with you some things that I hope will help us all.
I don’t know about you, but as a mom, particularly a stay-at-home mom, I often feel that my life is meant to serve others and go, go, go. I never feel like what I am doing is enough. My house is not clean enough, my kids are not learning enough, I am not righteous enough, I am not good enough. There are never enough hours in the day to get it all done. Anyone else feel that way?
Over the last few months I have been talking with someone who is helping me to delve into some of those feelings and the last couple of weeks I have really been struggling trying to find God’s truth in my life, not the lies that Satan readily gives us that we can never get it right. This friend of mind has told me several times that I need to slow down, and that I can’t be the CEO of the universe. That job is already taken. Now, I don’t know if you can relate to this or not, but I am a control freak. I like things done in a certain way (mine) and in a certain time (immediately). I know too, that as long as I feel like I am in control and stay busy I don’t really have to hear when God is calling me to be still and to know Him. To wait on Him to show me the way He wants me to go. I like making the decisions. I like feeling in control.
This morning as I was journaling about all of these struggles and putting onto paper my questions and confusion about what exactly God wants from me, I read the following verses and they left me reeling.
Love God, all you saints; God takes care of those who stay close to him, But he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone. Psalm 31:23 (The Message)
Love God: check, God takes care of me: check, who stays close to him: hmmmm, am I? Pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone: me arrogant? Am I? Is it arrogant to be in charge. To get things done???? What does He mean to pay back in full if I go it alone?
I think that we can easily feel like we love God. I think that it is often easy to feel like, and give lip service to, the idea that we are letting God take care of us. But for me, I have to confess that I often am in charge of my life. God has given me the freedom to make decisions for myself, apart from what He wants and desires. Unfortunately that often leads me to some poor choices and tough consequences. I think what hit me most in this is the edict that we need to stay close to Him. That is where our protection lies. The idea that we are arrogant enough and sinful enough to try to go it alone is heart-breaking. The idea that He is going to pay that arrogance back in full is terrifying. As I said earlier, I often struggle with the idea that nothing I do, is ever enough; that idea if we let it dictate our actions and feelings will not allow us to love God completely and let Him take care of us. So I am asking you to do a heart check with me. Are we loving God fully? Are we letting Him take care of the details in our lives? Or are we walking this journey alone, pretending to walk with Him?
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